Saturday, February 10, 2007

The Perils of the Men's Room

Being a dude and going to the restroom (which is more for pooping than resting, so it should probably be called "The Poop Room" but whatever) can be a dangerous and disgusting enterprise. Now keep in mind not all men's rooms are disgusting plethoras of urine and fecal matter, but let's say it is safe to assume most of them are (this of course is regardless of the quality of their janitorial staff) seething, piss-soaked hellholes. These are common perils one must face in the shitter:

1. The Urinal
Though usually a place of quick piss interaction, the urinal can easily become "decorated" with pubes through some strange pube pulling process that happens somehow to someone. It has always been a mystery to me how this happens, but maybe if you don't shave your junk it makes this phenomenon more common. Also keep your eyes peeled to the walls around urinals. You may be drunk and think it nice to lean against whilst taking a piss, but low there may in fact be boogers smeared there. You can turn your back on a lot of things, but NEVER
turn your back on a men's washroom.

2. The Stall
Quirky decorations and clever graffittied lymerics are usually adorned to these fine structures, but you may find the occasional gum, blood, snot (in it's various forms) , and even semen upon their surfaces. Be wary of coming in even remote contact with these. Wash up after touching the handle.

3. The Toilet
Inside the stall's protective shell lies the toilet itself. Is it a motion flush sensor? If it is, do NOT
lean to far forward trying to plop out a brownie or it will flush and spray you with cold water on your anus. If this is not the case with your particular toilet situation then no worries. There are generally three thiungs to look out for / consider when thinking of using a public toilet like this.

a.) Seat Covers - these are not there to protect your from disease (which your butt will not catch from a toilet seat) so much as they are simply there so you don't have to sit in someone's pee and the occasionaly waxy buttwipe when the stall is out of TP. Make use of these.

b.) Toilet Paper - Is there enough? Did you check the roll before sitting down? Are you going to need to change stalls or grab paper from an adjacent one? These are things you must know FOR CERTAIN before claiming your "throne".

c.) Seat Condition - The worst thing that can happen is you finally pick a stall, use a little toilet paper to give the seat the once over, and then sit down only to feel the warmth of the buttocks (and possibly the balls) of some sweaty old man who took a 2 hour shit on that seat before you got there. Also check for urine stains, semen, pubicals, and/or feces. You never know.

Good luck to you, and remember:
Taking a shit at work is like getting paid to take a shit, so save your shits for work.

Your Friend,


elephantiasisoftheblog said...

I never realized there was so much to think about taking a shit, maybe next time I'm taking a shit I'll think about it.

L'Idiot said...

shit... make's ya think... shit make ya think.